Dear Papa

Dear papa..

Salam sejahtera Pa, apa kabarmu disana?

Tak terasa waktu telah terlewati begitu lama sejak pertemuan pertama kita dulu.
Pertemuan yang kala itu masih belum kumengerti dengan penuh.
Sekarang papa dimana? Masih di pulau Jawa kah? Atau pergi ke luar Jawa lagi?
Wherever you are, deep inside my heart, there’s always a feeling of missing you that left unsaid.

Akhir-akhir ini adek kangen banget sama papa, I wanna meet you, and I hope no one will separate us (again).
Adek sangat menginginkan petuah dan nasehat papa, yang selama ini tidak pernah adek dapet dari bapak.
Meskipun peranmu tergantikan oleh bapak, namun dalam lubuk hatiku hanya ada satu papa, it’s you dad, no one can take your place..


Pa, adek nggak tau apa papa bangga dengan adek yang sekarang ini.
Tapi adek denger dari kakak perempuan eyang uti, yang mana (katanya lagi) papa sering menanyakan kabar adek dari dia, bahwa papa sangat bangga denganku, papa kangen n sayang banget sama aku.

Now tell me dad, why don’t you come to see me again? Why? Is it mom? Apa mama yang bilang sama papa buat nggak mengganggu hidupnya?
I know that your relationship with her is over. But you’re still my dad right?
Tell me how to find you, where?
I miss you so bad, I keep a faith that we will together someday.

Eyang uti bilang adek ini salinan persis dari papa, mulai dari raut dan struktur tulang wajah yang katanya mirip banget sama papa, otak yang encer kaya papa, dan kita juga sama-sama pake kacamata, sebenernya satu lagi yang adek pengen yaitu tinggi badan yang sama kaya papa, tapi ternyata Tuhan punya desain sendiri hahahahaha…..


Sekarang adek mau cerita about my life recently..

This time I have a conffesion to you dad. Guess what? Now I’m dating with a lovely girl, and I love her so. Aku ingin aku mencintai perempuanku seperti papa mencintai mama, meskipun orang tua papa menentangnya, dan meskipun mereka berkolaborasi sangat baik dengan sang waktu untuk memisahkan kalian, papa bertahan dengan cinta papa, namun sayangnya mama tak begitu, dia menyerah dari kesendirian yang menyiksanya, sampai akhirnya mama menikah dengan bapak, namun dengan ketaguhan hatimu kau tetap sendiri (mungkin sampe sekarang). Dan adek mau jadi sepertimu pa, mencintai tanpa menuntut balas.

Talking about my girl, she’s so caring and loving to me.
Dengan kesederhanaannya dia mampu membuatku terus tersenyum, and if it’s possible I wanna to inroduce her to you, someday.

Adek sekarang udah masuk semester enam, adek mau papa berdoa buat adek biar adek bisa lulus di semester tujuh nanti, dan semoga dengan predikat cumlaude.
Adek juga udah kerja, meski baru kerja freelance, tapi cukup lah buat beli pulsa n traktir cewek adek, hehehe..
By the way, how is your job, dad? Is it interesting?
Where do you live? Do you married to or dating a woman?

Hmmmm…

Aku tak mampu berkata-kata lagi pa, yang aku tau aku pengen papa ada disini.
Meski di akta kelahiran dan di Surat Tanda Tamat Belajar-ku bukan nama papa yang tertulis, tapi dimanapun aku berada kau selalu tersemat di hati.
Semoga Tuhan selalu melindungimu, 

Your Chad

The Letters of Reminiscence

You’ll never know when you will fall in love
And you’ll never know with whom you’ll fall in love and being loved.
You’ll never know whether you’re born differently from others
And you’ll know that when the world seems like against you
What is it like when you just don’t like the others?

I had never known that being sexually abused would affect me deeply.
I had never known that witnessing things that a child shouldn’t see would make me grew differently.
Knowing something that my mates and fellas don’t know yet was really hard for me.
Hard, because I had to pretend that I was a normal child just like them, pretended that I had never seen so many weird things for a kiddie like me, but inside I knew much about this life more than them.
Seeing this witnessing that, but the point was what was it all about?
Confusing? Of course
I had so many things ran in my head.
I didn’t understand those things at all
What did they do?
Why?
I had never known that it would affect me, but I knew that I was different.
Despite my exceptional mind, I have something else to deal with, psychologically.

The first thing I knew as a toddler that I was different was no masculine atmosphere in the family.
That’s right; I didn’t have a big bearded figure with heavy, bass voice, a figure that my friends called it "daddy".
Why? Where was my daddy? What did he look like?

As I grew older life had been harder for me.
I saw my mom was hanging out with a guy, but why people, the other family members got upset at her?
That gay was married! That’s the reason.
At night I found myself laid in bed alone, or sometimes my grandma was beside me.
My mom, she’s out with her man, her lover actually.

In the other day, I saw my grandma argued with her uncle.
And suddenly, snap! He hit her on the face! Snap! Even twice!!
Oh God, what else was going on?
I ran to my room, sat on the corner.
Why did he do that?
My grandma’s sisters also often scolded at her and my mom, and in that time, I was getting used to hear shouting and sometimes rude remarks.

That was a servant, the family servant; I didn’t know what his aim was.
He asked me to take down my pants; he offered some money to me.
Lucky, I didn’t do what he asked me to.
On the other day, he asked me the same thing, even he kissed my cheek; I pushed his body, and made an escape, I was saved.
I didn't tell my mom or my grandma about this.
Later, mom, grandma, and I moved and we began a new life in the new town.

My mom got married with a middle aged man, he’s kind, and he loved me.
But life was still hard for me when my mom gave her attention for him more than for me.
I wasn’t allowed to have dinner before my dad, and such things like that.
For mom, dad came first before me.
Pity me.

When did you know about sex?
Ten? Twelve? Or maybe fifteen?
Make it simpler then, have you ever witnessed couple doing sex?
I witnessed that when I was seven, yes! SEVEN, maybe twice or more.
But I didn’t know what they did; I was confused, and scared, I realized what it was when I was ten.
Could you expect how that sexual thing affects me?
Yes, I knew all the things about sex when I was still on the elementary school.
I knew how to play with my own fingers, I learnt about it accidentally, and I was scared to tell the older even friends of mine, so I kept it for myself.

When I was teen I got another abuse.
This one was from my step dad.
He put his dirty hands on my breast, maybe he just made fun of it, but psychologically I couldn’t accept this.
Really disgusting.

I found that I'm totally different from others when I met my crush.
My very first crush is girl.
A beautiful and smart girl.