Nat Pernah Abege Juga

Cinta pertama nggak ada matinya, setuju?

Gile aje, malem-malem, eike dibikin galau sama yang namanya cinta pertama dulu. Nggak ada angin nggak ada badai, semalem aku mimpi dia! Errr….

Sayangku, yakin deh, aku nggak ada apa-apa kok. Kalau kata ayank, aku lagi kangen sama my first love itu. Okelah, sebagai gentleman, saya mau mengakui, saya memang kangen.

Waitttt! Bukan kangen apa-apa nih, kangen as an old buddy, sumpeehh dehh. Udah lama banget kita nggak ketemu, tiga tahun lebih kali. Dan dia makin cantik ajeeeeee!! *tahan ya imiiinn…

Selalu seperti ini, kalau aku inget betapa aroma homoku udah nampoool banget sedari kecil, geezz. Aku inget betul temenku tanya “Kamu suka dia kaaann??? Ngaku aja deehh! Dezzziiiggggg!! Oh Tuhan, segitu homonya kah saya duluuu??

Yahh, tapi gimana ya… mmmmm….. ya emang aku suka bangeettt sama dia dulu, hmmfh. Masih inget kan, roman-romannya abegeh, pubertas… well, pandangan matanya, alamaaakkk, nusuk banget! Ngobrol sebentar aja bikin nggak bisa tidur seminggu.. (yakin, kalau ini lebay doank)

Bottomline-nya adalah, saya homo sejak esempe. Hadeuuhh.. Jelas-jelas banget homonya, lah wong ada temen cowok yang suka, tapinya cuma aku pakai buat tameng biar menutup sedikit aroma homoku yang semerbak wangi bak melati… dan aku rela jatuh bangun, mengejar dia, yes, I was crazy about HER! My first love. Yakin, ini bukan cinta monyet sembarang monyet!

Udahlah, daripada ngaco, lama-lama bisa digampar ayank nih eike. Tapi yakinlah, sayangku, itu hanya cerita lalu. Sak niki, kulo tresno sampeyan, ning.. Mwaaahhh.. Sleep tight ya ayank, kangen kamu

Met malem juga ya Mel, sampe ketemu kapan-kapan.. hehehehe

*ampuuunnn ayaannkkkk…

The Letters of Reminiscence

You’ll never know when you will fall in love
And you’ll never know with whom you’ll fall in love and being loved.
You’ll never know whether you’re born differently from others
And you’ll know that when the world seems like against you
What is it like when you just don’t like the others?

I had never known that being sexually abused would affect me deeply.
I had never known that witnessing things that a child shouldn’t see would make me grew differently.
Knowing something that my mates and fellas don’t know yet was really hard for me.
Hard, because I had to pretend that I was a normal child just like them, pretended that I had never seen so many weird things for a kiddie like me, but inside I knew much about this life more than them.
Seeing this witnessing that, but the point was what was it all about?
Confusing? Of course
I had so many things ran in my head.
I didn’t understand those things at all
What did they do?
Why?
I had never known that it would affect me, but I knew that I was different.
Despite my exceptional mind, I have something else to deal with, psychologically.

The first thing I knew as a toddler that I was different was no masculine atmosphere in the family.
That’s right; I didn’t have a big bearded figure with heavy, bass voice, a figure that my friends called it "daddy".
Why? Where was my daddy? What did he look like?

As I grew older life had been harder for me.
I saw my mom was hanging out with a guy, but why people, the other family members got upset at her?
That gay was married! That’s the reason.
At night I found myself laid in bed alone, or sometimes my grandma was beside me.
My mom, she’s out with her man, her lover actually.

In the other day, I saw my grandma argued with her uncle.
And suddenly, snap! He hit her on the face! Snap! Even twice!!
Oh God, what else was going on?
I ran to my room, sat on the corner.
Why did he do that?
My grandma’s sisters also often scolded at her and my mom, and in that time, I was getting used to hear shouting and sometimes rude remarks.

That was a servant, the family servant; I didn’t know what his aim was.
He asked me to take down my pants; he offered some money to me.
Lucky, I didn’t do what he asked me to.
On the other day, he asked me the same thing, even he kissed my cheek; I pushed his body, and made an escape, I was saved.
I didn't tell my mom or my grandma about this.
Later, mom, grandma, and I moved and we began a new life in the new town.

My mom got married with a middle aged man, he’s kind, and he loved me.
But life was still hard for me when my mom gave her attention for him more than for me.
I wasn’t allowed to have dinner before my dad, and such things like that.
For mom, dad came first before me.
Pity me.

When did you know about sex?
Ten? Twelve? Or maybe fifteen?
Make it simpler then, have you ever witnessed couple doing sex?
I witnessed that when I was seven, yes! SEVEN, maybe twice or more.
But I didn’t know what they did; I was confused, and scared, I realized what it was when I was ten.
Could you expect how that sexual thing affects me?
Yes, I knew all the things about sex when I was still on the elementary school.
I knew how to play with my own fingers, I learnt about it accidentally, and I was scared to tell the older even friends of mine, so I kept it for myself.

When I was teen I got another abuse.
This one was from my step dad.
He put his dirty hands on my breast, maybe he just made fun of it, but psychologically I couldn’t accept this.
Really disgusting.

I found that I'm totally different from others when I met my crush.
My very first crush is girl.
A beautiful and smart girl.

Who's Nat? Part 2

"Eh,Do! Itu mereka!cpetan,mana kacanya?"

"Nih Kak.."

"Udah,kmu az sana,buruan.."

Itu td sepenggal percakapanku dgn Edo, adik kelas sekaligus tetanggaku. Hmm,siapa yg bisa nebak aq lg ngapain saat itu? Well,aku dan Edo memang seneng bgt godain cwe2 kelas 4A yg cantik2 hahaha...
Biasanya aku dan Edo naruh kaca kecil di sepatu,n taulah apa kelanjutannya,yup kami melihat ''pemandangan'' indah itu,wakakakaka...

Sepindahku ke kota yg baru,aku beradaptasi dgn cpt,sekolah baru,temen baru,n bpk baru tentunya:p. Temen mainku lebih banyak cowo,dan aku masih saja melanjutkan eksistensiku di dunia perlayang2an,persebakbolaan,per-Ultraman-an,dan dunia laki2 lainnya,hehehe...

Pada saat aku kelas 5 SD,bapak mndapat proyek di luar pulau,ke Palembang, SumSel, dan mama memutuskan untk ikut bpk,karena bpk harus bertugas cukup lama dsana (7 bulan kalo gak salah). Sebenarnya aq juga ditawari untuk ikut mereka ke Palembang,tp aku terlanjur sayang dgn khidupanku dsini. Akhirnya mereka pergi tanpa aku dan aku tinggal dirumah bersama nenekku..
Aku masih inget bnget pesen mamaku waktu mereka mau pergi,yaitu aku harus menjadi anak yg pinter n nurut ma nenek,ada satu lg pesan yg sangat menggelitikku, ''beware of the strangers'',ya,mama menyuruhku berhati2 jika ada org asing mendekati aku,mengajak ngobrol,menawari aku uang atau jajan. Sebenarnya nggak ada yg aneh dngn pesan itu,tp mama dan nenekku pun jg mengingatkan aku berulang2 tentang hal itu, bahkan aku yg dulu naik sepeda ke sekolah, didandani mirip bgt agen FBI ato seleb Hollywood yg sedang menghindari paparazi,jaket tebal,topi,dan jg kacamata menjadi properti wajibku sehari2,hahahaha..
Pertamanya aku tak tau knapa orang tuaku bisa seheboh itu,pdhl penampilanku jelas2 bikin penculik lari drpd harus berurusan dgn calon mafia seperti aku,dan usut punya usut,aku tau kalo trnyata mereka begitu karena mereka takut papa kandungku bakalan pulang dari Dili dan mengambilku dr orang tuaku yg sekarang. Cukup beralasan memang,he5...
Selama 7 bln tanpa kedua orang tuaku,aku tinggal di rumah bersama nenek. Dan ketakutan2 ortu kalo suatu saat papa kandungku dateng trnyata tidak terjadi, tidak ada orang2 asing yg mencoba mengajakku pergi dgn iming2 jajan atopun permen,jajajaja..
Setelah hbs masa kontrak kerja bapakku selama 7 bln di Palembang,kedua orang tuaku pun pulang ke Jawa....



To be continued...

Who's Nat? Part 1

Aku adalah aku,
aku ingin menjadi diriku sendiri
tapi siapa sebenarnya Nat itu?
Hmm....

Nat was born 19 years ago,December 20,1989 in a small city..
I dont have any sibling,ya aku ini anak tunggal...
Aku menjalani masa2 kecil ku seperti anak normal lainnya,tp seiring bertambahnya waktu,aku mulai sadar kalo ada yg kurang dlm keluargaku,yaitu
aku nggak punya papa..
Mama bilang papa kerja jauh sekali, he left us when i was a baby, mom said that he was in Dili,Timor Timur,jd gak bisa sering pulang. Dan otak anak kecilku yg masih polos mempercayai hal itu,n aku yakin papa pasti pulang suatu saat nanti...

Saat aku berusia sekitar 4 thn,aku dan mama pindah kerumah kakek buyutku,ke kota yg lbh kecil daripada tanah kelahiranku.. Aku pun bertumbuh selayaknya anak2 lain,bahkan aku tergolong anak yg pintar,coz di usia ku yg masih 5 tahun saat masuk SD,aku selalu mendapat predikat juara kelas..
Aku memang tomboy dari kecil.
Aku lebih seneng manjat po'on,maen pistol,tamiya n demen bgt maen layang2 (sampe SMA masih demen sama yg satu ini) daripada maen barbie ato rumah2an,
aku lbh seneng nonton power rangers,Jiban,n Ultraman drpd nonton Sailormoon ato Wedding Peach,
tapi aku sangat menikmati masa2 itu,sungguh menyenangkan,hehehe...
Saat itu mama bekerja di sebuah pekerjaan asuransi,she's an independent woman,tough and hardworker as well.
Mama mengajari aq disiplin jg kerja keras dan kesederhanaan,dan smuanya terbawa sampai sekarang,what a great woman(I love u so mom)...

Semua berjalan normal sampai pd suatu saat,di hari ulang tahunku ada sebuah paket untukku. Mama bilang itu hadiah dari papa. God!betapa senangnya aku saat itu,kubuka paket itu,dan isinya satu setel kaos,celana panjang,n a vest,really beautiful...
Aku semakin yakin kalo papa pasti sayang aku dan akan segera pulang..
Tapi beberapa bulan kemudian,mama memperkenalkan seorang laki2 dan mama meminta aku untuk memanggilnya bapak..
Aku belum mengerti apa yg trjadi.. Apakah mungkin itu papaku?apa dia sudah pulang?tapi kenapa wajahnya beda dgn gambar papa di foto?
Well,memang aku blm melihat foto pernikahan mama dan papaku,sampai sekarang pun aku blm melihatnya. Sampai hari ini akupun bingung,apakah memang mama pernah menikah dgn papa?apakah papa meninggalkan aku saat bayi?atau kah aku ini anak yg lahir diluar pernikahan?? Hal itu masih menjadi tanda tanya besar buatku..
Di rumahku sekarang yg ada cuma foto pernikahan mama dgn bapak,ayahku yg sekarang. Kedua orang tuaku sepertinya merahasiakan keberadaan papa kandungku,dan nggak pernah ngomongin hal itu,mungkin mereka menganggap dulu aku masih terlalu kecil untuk memahami dan mengingat hal2 yg pnh mama ceritakan ke aku tentang papa dulu.. Hanya nenek ku yg kadang mengingatkan aku untuk mencari papa kandungku suatu saat nanti...


Oke,lanjut ke kejadian masa lalu..
Setelah perkenalanku dgn laki2 yg sekarang menjadi bapakku itu,kami pindah ke kota yg lbh besar..
Aku hidup bertiga dgn mama dan bapak baruku. Dia laki2 yg baik,dia tidak pernah memukul aku dan mamaku,cuma terkadang perkataannya agak pedas kalo lagi marah,..
Kedua orang tuaku memang agak memanjakan aku,yah karena aku adalah satu2nya anak mereka (mama sempat keguguran 2X,dan akhirnya memutuskan untk nggak hamil lg),well aku melanjutkan hdupku sbg anak tunggal,hahahaha...


To be continued.........